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Friday, April 3, 2009

Fears and Doubts

4/3/09 Doctor Update: My amniotic fluid level was 14, cord flow 2.6, heart rate 135, and my blood pressure as low as always at 100/60. Rebekah is still stable and we got to see her practice breathing again. PTL! So, we went ahead and set an induction date of 2 weeks early - Monday, April 20th at a bright and early 5am . We will do an NST (Non-Stress Test) next week just to make sure everything is okay. The doctor's quote from today's visit, "She is doing much better than I ever expected." So Michael and I are feeling a little lighter today and thanking God that the prayers of many are being heard.

But several times today, and through the last few weeks, I have been subject to fits of crying and fear.

Philippians 4:4-7 (NIV)
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

In case anyone thinks I am some incredible person with faith of steel and a bright outlook on life, I wanted to set the record straight! I am a very normal mom with the same hopes and fears most moms have. I have my share of insecurities, paranoia, and fits of anger. I struggle with love, trust, and faith. I hate having no control over my immediate future. The only difference is, I have just been blessed with God's strength the last 4 months to get to the point where I am at. I am choosing to see the glass half full instead of half empty, because that IS a choice I can make.

But while friends are happily giving a 'thumbs up' on facebook to my now scheduled induction date of 4/20, I am scared and an emotional wreck! The last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride of emotions and self-doubt. Rebekah is beating the odds making it this far. So now I am struggling with the idea of possibly having a special needs child, one that is severely handicapped. And then I read in a book I recently purchased from SOFT (Support Organization For Trisomy 18, 13, and Related Disorders) a parent quote after the death of their trisomy 13 child: "People told us having him would be the hardest thing we ever did. They were wrong. The hardest part is not having him."

So inward the battle rages...

"God, I can't handle this right now. Why can't she just stay safe and sound inside me?"
"My child, remember that I will provide you with all the strength you need."
Philippians 4:13 - I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
"Lord, why me?"
"My child, I use events in your life to work a greater good. You do not see the big picture. Trust me, I love you. I am working everything out for your good. "
James 1:2-4 2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
"I don't have enough faith to handle this."
"My child, All you need is the faith of a mustard seed. And I have provided you with all of the help you need.
Mat 17:20 He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
Mat 18:19-20 19"Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. 20For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."
Rom 8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
I heard this song today. I know it well, but the words just really hit home right now. If you aren't familiar with it, please play the video and listen. It will bless your soul.

Praise You In This Storm lyrics - by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

1 comment:

  1. We will be covering you in prayer during these next days ahead... I can't imagine how you must be feeling. You will soon meet this precious little girl who has changed your life and touched the life of so many others!