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Monday, January 12, 2009

To Hope or Not to Hope...


I am 25 weeks pregnant with little baby Rebekah Faith Budd...the girl I have prayed for for almost 9 years. Unfortunately, Rebekah has trisomy 18 (confirmed through amnicentesis - an extra 18th chromosome), also called Edward's Syndrome. About 95% die in utero, and of those that live, the median lifespan is 5-15 days. Life is a roller coaster ride right now, with many thoughts and decisions I'd rather not deal with...

Today's Random Thought:

I've been doing good today, I've conversed about Rebekah without bawling, I've managed to accomplish more than I set out to do, I've been productive and I am accomplishing a lot by setting up the Good News Club at our local elementary school. Great day!

So what does it mean when two separate doctors call you on the same day to say they are thinking about and praying for you? OK, that just makes me cry. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for all the prayers. They strengthen me and make me feel loved and cared for by my body of fellow believers. But to have your two doctors call... well, doesn't that make you feel like there's no hope or something?

But I am hanging on to hope because that is all I have for the moment:
  • But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish.
    Psalm 9:18
  • Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.
    Psalm 1:24
  • But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
    Psalm 33:18
  • May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.
    Psalm 33:22
  • "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you."
    Psalm 39:7
  • May those who fear you rejoice when they see me, for I have put my hope in your word.
    Psalm 119:74
  • Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD his God,
    Psalm 146:5
  • There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.
    Psalm 23:18
  • Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.
    Psalm 24:14
  • "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him."
    Jeremiah 17:7

So to hope or not to hope... that is the question!

If I pray for a miracle and believe in it with all my heart, and don't get it, I will be devastated.

If I believe God can perform a miracle (which I do!), but don't have the hope/faith to claim this for myself, am I giving up the opportunity for a miracle?

If I 'protect' myself by having no hope at all, well, maybe I won't be so miserable with the inevitable statistical outcome.

So I ask again - to hope or to not hope?

I know no matter what, God will be with me (us), and the prayers of friends and fellow believers will sustain me. But I just feel like I don't even know what to pray or hope for!


  1. Oh, Susan. Hope! And pray for that miracle with all your heart, knowing that God may have a different plan (none the less miraculous.) His will is mysterious, but always right. I am praying for YOU, as I know God's Hand is on Rebekah the entire time. Peace and serenity, my friend. You are on my mind.

  2. “Thy will, not mine, be done.”

    In the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus thrice prayed this:

    “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” — Matthew 26:39

  3. I've been trying so hard to view your page but it has been coming up with errors.
    I've been reading your blog since last night. Your story is so close to my heart. I wish so badly to reach out and hug you. I cried so hard for you last night as I pray for you and your family. I have been in your shoes, I know what you are feeling. My wish for you is just to turn everything over to the Lord. I know the devestation and anger. But even through it, you have to hold out hope. There is no other choice.

    My story is different. We had no diagnosis. They just told us that our son wouldn't live. I know that Trisomy 18 is major, but God performs miracles every single day. Your Rebekah is one of them! Look how far she has made it already! Please have faith. Even if it is only the size of a mustard seed. God knows what He is doing. He is in control of every situtation.

    I would love to chat, or email. Please feel free to email me or write on my blog. I will ferfently be praying for you.