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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A Heartfelt Apology

It is 2:30am and I have woken up from a splitting headache and a heartache. This is my blog, so I can cry if I want to, right?!

I have, on occassion during this adventure in mothering, taken antidepressants for post partum depression. I have not had to take them since before child #4 was conceived. One of my big 'signs' that I need 'help' is not utter despair, suicidal thoughts, or threat that I'm going to hurt my kids (the typical things you see in a depression medicine commercial - because, you know, depression hurts!). It's anxiety attacks and paranoia... thinking everyone is talking about me or that they have something negative to say about me... a total drop in self-esteem. This results in a very inward-looking attitude and focus on 'me' that I know is totally ungodly and totally against what God's word has to say. So I have been reading more, praying more, trying to not 'care' so much about what I 'think' others are saying/thinking. But my paranoia is getting the best of me and waking me up in the middle of the night.

So do I take the dive into medication? No one would blame me with the things going on in my life. But I have to be honest, I don't want to go there just now. Medication also means numbness, a more even-keeled posture on life. And frankly, I don't think that applying numbness to my life is in my best interest right now.

So how do I battle through this? I know recently I must've irritated a friend I deeply care about because she is (my interpretation) 'attacking me left and right' on a number of issues. Because these may be perceptions and not reality, I don't need to go there. It wouldn't be beneficial to anyone. Is this just my twisted interpretation of events? Hard to say, but honestly, that is why I am up at now 3:00am blogging. Because THIS is what my heart aches over at the moment. I would honestly apologize if I knew exactly what I had done. But I hate confrontation enough that I am too chicken to go to her and bring this issue up. Honestly, what I am afraid of is that I will get to into 'me' end of the conversation and forget the intent or purpose for bringing up the issues in the first place. It's not about me, I don't want it to be about me. But I will turn it into that... (well, you did this that and the other to ME, you made ME feel this way, blah blah blah). You know, typical self-justification behavior... I don't even want to hear myself think it.

I've never claimed I was perfect...far from it. I will humbly submit that I am a sinner and am nothing without the redeeming blood of Jesus. Thank God he sees the potential in me that I and others cannot see. Thank God he forgives me even when others can't. Thank God he models unconditional love in the hopes that we can even catch a glimpse of it and model it to others.

These are the verses I am meditating on to work through this:
  • Ephesians 4:26 And "don't sin by letting anger gain control over you." Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry. (How true! How many times do we wake up in the middle of the night or suffer from insomnia because or our anger?)
  • Proverbs 14:29 Those who control their anger have great understanding; those with a hasty temper will make mistakes.
  • Proverbs 17:14 Beginning a quarrel is like opening a floodgate, so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out. (This is one of the reasons I am afraid to go and discuss my issues, I am so afraid that MY floodgate will open and I will say ugly things that I totally don't mean and will regret.)
  • Romans 12:19 Don't quarrel with anyone. Be at peace with everyone, just as much h as possible. (Although it may not seem like it, I'd actually love to live at peace...)
  • 1 Thessalonians 5:11 So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.
  • Romans 12:17 Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.
  • Psalm 19:14 May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. (Lord, I pray that this would be the case with me. Help me get rid of my foolish pride and insecurities and focus on what you would have me do.)
  • Proverbs 17:27 A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered. (Okay, I admit, I have a LOOOONG way to go on this one!)
  • Proverbs 12:18 Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing. (Lord, give me wisdom because I am just way too good at the cutting remarks part. Blech!)
  • Matthew 7:3 And why worry about a speck in the eye of a brother when you have a board in your own? (Ain't it the truth? I recite this to my children all the time. I need to remind myself of this.)
  • James 1:19 My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry.
  • Proverbs 18:13 What a shame, what folly, to give advice before listening to the facts!
So, my friend, I am sorry for what I have done to cause you to stumble or struggle. Know that I am working daily on being a better person and friend. I hope you will continue that journey with me and forgive me...

And, surprisingly, my headache is now gone and I can almost hear Jesus saying, "You've come a long way baby..." Okay, how wrong is that? Isn't that from a cigarette commercial?!


  1. Sorry hear you're going through this....for what it's worth, I think all women, even those who don't suffer from depression, go through something similar from time to time. We are very critical of ourselves and many of us care deeply about what others think of us. Great verses to meditate upon :-)

  2. I haven't spent much time with you, but I have to admit that you have always exuded confidence to me. I've always admired you as someone who has everything I want. I have low self-esteem and social anxiety too. Lately I've been convicted about wallowing in my own hole. I've become aware that in my isolation, I haven't seen anybody else's circumstances. I need to do better about lifting up my brothers and sisters. I have been praying for you and will continue to, Susan. Hope to see you tonight at practice so I can hug your neck!

  3. Sometimes, I think we may be the same person... Call or email me, if you want to vent.

  4. Thinking of you Susan.

    (Lynne in London)

  5. Susan, you inspire me.