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Monday, September 24, 2012

The "Ah-Ha" Moment


I had an “ah-ha” moment this evening as I was putting the boys to bed. 

Rebekah has been in the hospital for the last 8 days, and I am exhausted physically and emotionally. The boys were bickering, name-calling, and complaining, and my usual screaming threats to tar and feather them were not working. When they continued to be nasty, for the first time in a long time, I stopped yelling back at them, grew silent and serious, and began to tell them about one of our biggest blessings of having Rebekah - appreciation for life. We almost lost Rebekah to a bowel obstruction last summer, and when this hospital trip confirmed another bowel obstruction, we all had some fear and despair of weeks in the hospital (or worse). So I explained to those precious boys that we have been gifted through Rebekah. Even my 5 year old appreciates seeing his little sister and misses her when she's not there. He understands the threat with each hospital admission.

So my conversation with those sweet boys went something like this...
Because we're a family, we will have disagreements and arguments with each other. But we need to know that, just like Rebekah, none of us are promised another day. There could be a terrible accident, and you could wake up to find out that your brother is dead. Do you really want the last memory of your brother to be that you called him a loser? Or an idiot? Don't you think that it would fill you with guilt and sadness when you remember your last conversation?

Ephesians 4:26-27 says: And "don't sin by letting anger control you." Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.

So I want you all to lie here silently and say a prayer for forgiveness and a prayer for patience and love for your brother.

I left the room for a few minutes and came back to total silence. I don't think my house has EVER been that quiet.  Then I tucked them in and prayed for our whole family to have the kind of grace and forgiveness for one another that we have received ourselves.

I became really sad, because I had done something in anger recently while under the stress of Rebekah being in the hospital. I could blame it on my exhaustion and situation, but the truth is, I have to own up to my own mistakes.  And I can do that because I know being a Christian doesn't mean I am perfect... it means I can admit and recognize my imperfections.

So I called up a friend who I had hurt in a public post on Facebook, and apologized. She had even left our support group that had been her lifeline when her son was younger. And that was never my intention or desire! I would never want to take away someone's support network, or make them feel like they had to make a choice between friends.  The individual posts that led my "meltdown" aren't important.  The truth is, I acted in anger, and hurt someone as a result. But even worse, I influenced others to think ill of this mom. And, like me, she is a mom that just wants support and to advocate for her child.

So I told her sincerely, from my heart, that I am truly sorry - not just for making it a public post, but for making her out to be a terrible person. I never thought about how my post would influence others nor trigger some to send her hurtful messages as a result. And that was never my intention!! And I would never want to take away someone's support network.

I apologize to my support network also. I did not mean to make my personal issues public. I never intended to drag you down with me.  I pray that you will show grace to both of us.

Although it is very late now and I am still riddled with exhaustion and the threat of a 6 am alarm clock, I think I will sleep the next 4 hours better than I have all week. And I go to sleep praying for each of us to have many of these ah-ha moments in our lives... for it is these trials that mold us, hopefully, into better people.

16 comments:

  1. This was very strong of you,we all know that you must be in a lot of pain right now and I believe this will make a lot of it better,you are a christian and all you can do is try and this made every thing right in Gods eyes and I am sure that Tammy will understand,I am sure she has been in some really painful situations to,God bless you and your family,I think it will all be o.k in the end,like you said family is family and in a big way she is part of your family also! <3

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    1. Thank you! I do see our trisomy community as family, and when one of us hurts, we all hurt. <3

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  2. As someone else who has been the object of you "making her out to be a terrible person" and actively influencing and triggering others to send hurtful messages (I even received violent death threats), I'm sure Tammie appreciated your call and public apology here. Susan, you must know you have a real problem with anger and being abusive in your attacks and encouraging bullying by others you disagree with. You have done this over and over again over the last 3 years since Rebekah's birth brought you into contact with others in the Trisomy community. You really need some ongoing anger management therapy and help in understanding how to have a conversation about different views rather than going into defensive personal attacks and bullying and using groups/new NPOs to tear down others. I don't know where you learned this. It seems be your default nature. But you can unlearn it. That is my hope for you. I say this not to hurt you, but to encourage you to on this path to turn away from this destructive behavior that alienates and hurts so many -- but mostly you. This is shared with compassion for the turmoil in your heart and mind you live with when interacting with the world in this way. You really need to focus less on telling and teaching others and projects and creating groups and organizations and invest that energy in your own needs and your home, your 4 boys and husband and Rebekah and just being friends with people that you enjoy and lift your spirits. I'm sending this anonymous, because like many other people, I'm scared I can't trust your reaction and don't want to be targeted again by you on Facebook. Hope Rebekah's turn for the better continues and that she'll be home with you all soon, feeling all better.

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    1. Dear Anonymous,
      The person in my post and I are BOTH responsible for what happened and we have talked and resolved the issue.

      The fact that you cannot post who you are says a lot about you. How can I "fix" something if the person I "broke" something with cannot face me. I think it is real easy to attack other people anonymously. It is also real easy to blame others instead of taking responsibility for our own actions. I know a lot of people who should have the guts to apologize publicly, or at least privately. But they don't. I have no problem apologizing to someone, especially when my actions have influenced others to also respond negatively.
      I do not have anger issues or turmoil in my heart, and that's why I CAN publicly say these things. I can say with all honesty that I have NEVER EVER THREATENED A PERSON PHYSICALLY. I am very sorry if you have received death threats, but you give me way too much credit. I certainly don't have that kind of power over people. I am just a mom.

      Maybe you need to worry less about what I need to do, and more about what you can do to help to bring the trisomy community together.

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    2. BTW, I think Michael has said it perfectly. :-) It takes a lot to make him respond to social media and female squabbles. He cannot believe the catty behavior unfolding on my blog and he thinks I should delete all the nasty posts. But I told him I don't need to, because I am not afraid of the same bullying that you have accused me of. In fact, I am sorry you feel the way you do. But, ironically, you have been making the trisomy community headlines long before I ever had a trisomy child. If it isn't me you have a conflict with, it will be someone else. I am strong enough to handle it. :-)

      Michael has lived with me much longer than you have ever "talked" to me virtually. His viewpoint as my husband and father to our 5 children matter much more. He knows all about the many Facebook dramas over the last 3 years. He is, after all, my best friend. And he and I think I balance my time just fine. My kids are great. My marriage is wonderful. My family is beautiful. My life is blessed. No anger issues here! I actually am a happy, well-adjusted human being with a heart to serve the Lord and to raise awareness about our precious trisomy children.

      I hope one day you can see that. I think you are trying too hard to paint a picture that just cannot be supported. Just the thought that I had anything to do with death threats is amusing. If that were truly the case, don't you think you would've filed some sort of harassment suit against me? Instead, you are trying to give me life advice that, maybe, you should take yourself? :-)

      Oh, and I know this has nothing to do with your post, but I feel like I just need to share the following. If we had known Rebekah was going to be trisomy 18 even before conception, we would never have changed a thing!! She is fearfully and wonderfully made! Praise the Lord! I would never have thought about any other option because I believe the things I talk about, I don't just talk about them. She is such a blessing, and, despite your awful vision of me, we have made a difference to many in this world. I wouldn't even change the trials of dealing with accusations and situations like this because I know I can learn from each situation I must overcome. Kind of like Laura Story's song "Blessings". I wish these blessing upon you too! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

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  3. I am saddened by all the drama and turmoil you have caused. It has taken the focus away from your daughter's health and prayers that she needs right now. I am grateful you had the a ha moment! I pray you continue to work on the anger issues. True, we are not perfect, but we must repent of our sins and serve the Lord (not ourselves) for His Will (not ours). As you realized, there is a bigger meaning in life. There is no room to carry anger, for it pushes out love. I have to admit, I found myself staying away from the Mommies group to check on Rebekah, in an effort to stay away from the drama and sick feelings it was giving me. Please know, I was praying blindly, and didn't stop praying for Rebekah even though I did not know her status. I pray you continue on your journey of self reflection, and serving our Lord. I will continue to pray for Rebekah's comfort and guidance for her care team. Please give her kisses from her twin, Kayli. <3

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    1. This person and I have amicably resolved this issue because we both care about the trisomy community. The drama and turmoil going on in the community did not start with me, and while we have ALL participated, we each can stop and say no more. I am choosing to do that. I appreciate the prayers for Rebekah.

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  4. Oh, Susan, I knew you were scared and tired and frustrated with so many things. I am grateful you were brave enough to post this publicly. It gives me more strength to admit my own faults. Although I have to say, maybe threatening "no food" instead of tar and feathers might also have worked. But then, I have teen-age boys and yours aren't there, yet. Just wait, the day will come... Love you and Rebekah. Sending hugs from Aaron and me.

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    1. Thanks for knowing my heart and believing in me!

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  5. Susan, I have quietly listened to the banter of the Trisomy Mom's group for months. You have shown far greater courage to be vulnerable to this group than I would. It is clear that several people (so called friends) find any time is a good time to beat someone else down. I have lived every day of the last 16 years with you and you do not have a "real problem of being angry and abusive". To even suggest such a ridiculous thing is ignorant and unkind at best. Are you perfect, of course not, no one is perfect. Are you passionately devoted to your family and friends- absolutely. Is Rebekah better off because of that passion- absolutely. I couldn't be more proud of you for publicly apologizing and for taking the abuse such honest words receive. I know your heart better than anyone and I believe in you until the end of time.

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    1. I love you sweetie! Yep, you sure do know me better than anyone! And you, of anyone, should know if I have anger issues. :-D

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  6. As one of the first 40 people that started on the Mommie's group, you have been a huge part of my journey with Lane for about 3 years now and I consider you a very close friend. I've watched that when situations happen on the group, it's just like those we find outside the group. I've seen over the years that when situations arise, you've always been up front and honest with your faults and I admire you for that! It's given us the ability to be close friends because we can work through anything together. We've had disaggreements in the past, but we've both admitted to our role in the issue and through honesty, we've been able to work through it. It's not possible to work through anything unless both parties can admit to their part in the situation. I'm saddened to see that when you've apologized in public that others want to put you down even after...for you just being human! I think you are a wonderful person, mother, and friend...and I thank GOD for bringing you into my life.

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    1. Alisha, I have a lot of respect for you. You're right, we've had our share of disagreements! Funny how they did not turn into anger management issues. :-) But you know, that's what true friendship is about. It's OK to disagree with your friends, and we can be respectful and move on. Both sides admitting fault is necessary for deep friendship. I know I have a tried and true friend in you because we can always overlook each other's faults and just enjoy the good things. Thanks for being there for me. It's nice to have those kind of friendships.

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  7. Oh good grief! I don't know what happened but this kind of thing is why I stay away from Facebook. As an outsider to the Trisomy community and a random follower of your blog I don't know you on a personal level but I do enjoy the passion that you have for the cause. Your writing is thought provoking. Having a special child of my own with a lot of medical challenges I know how hard it is to juggle family life with one with high needs, especially during times of illness. I hope Rebekah has a speedy recovery and comes home soon. Get some sleep and try to put this behind you.

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    1. Thanks Susan! Facebook, unfortunately, is filled with drama. I really need to train myself to focus my passion into blogging. LOL. Then I could at least moderate comments if I wanted to. ;-)

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  8. Hi Princess Rebekah, Boys and Family
    My name is Jenna and I came across your site. Your kids are precious miracles, special gifts, handsome princes and They are cute earthly angels. Princess Rebekah is a smilen champ, inspirational hero, courageous fighter, and a brave warrior.
    I was born with a rare life threatening disease, developmental delays, 14 medical conditions.
    http://www.miraclechamp.webs.com

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