A Heartfelt Apology

It is 2:30am and I have woken up from a splitting headache and a heartache. This is my blog, so I can cry if I want to, right?!

I have, on occassion during this adventure in mothering, taken antidepressants for post partum depression. I have not had to take them since before child #4 was conceived. One of my big 'signs' that I need 'help' is not utter despair, suicidal thoughts, or threat that I'm going to hurt my kids (the typical things you see in a depression medicine commercial - because, you know, depression hurts!). It's anxiety attacks and paranoia... thinking everyone is talking about me or that they have something negative to say about me... a total drop in self-esteem. This results in a very inward-looking attitude and focus on 'me' that I know is totally ungodly and totally against what God's word has to say. So I have been reading more, praying more, trying to not 'care' so much about what I 'think' others are saying/thinking. But my paranoia is getting the best of me and waking me up in the middle of the night.

So do I take the dive into medication? No one would blame me with the things going on in my life. But I have to be honest, I don't want to go there just now. Medication also means numbness, a more even-keeled posture on life. And frankly, I don't think that applying numbness to my life is in my best interest right now.

So how do I battle through this? I know recently I must've irritated a friend I deeply care about because she is (my interpretation) 'attacking me left and right' on a number of issues. Because these may be perceptions and not reality, I don't need to go there. It wouldn't be beneficial to anyone. Is this just my twisted interpretation of events? Hard to say, but honestly, that is why I am up at now 3:00am blogging. Because THIS is what my heart aches over at the moment. I would honestly apologize if I knew exactly what I had done. But I hate confrontation enough that I am too chicken to go to her and bring this issue up. Honestly, what I am afraid of is that I will get to into 'me' end of the conversation and forget the intent or purpose for bringing up the issues in the first place. It's not about me, I don't want it to be about me. But I will turn it into that... (well, you did this that and the other to ME, you made ME feel this way, blah blah blah). You know, typical self-justification behavior... I don't even want to hear myself think it.

I've never claimed I was perfect...far from it. I will humbly submit that I am a sinner and am nothing without the redeeming blood of Jesus. Thank God he sees the potential in me that I and others cannot see. Thank God he forgives me even when others can't. Thank God he models unconditional love in the hopes that we can even catch a glimpse of it and model it to others.

These are the verses I am meditating on to work through this:

• Ephesians 4:26 And "don't sin by letting anger gain control over you." Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry. (How true! How many times do we wake up in the middle of the night or suffer from insomnia because or our anger?)
• Proverbs 14:29 Those who control their anger have great understanding; those with a hasty temper will make mistakes.
• Proverbs 17:14 Beginning a quarrel is like opening a floodgate, so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out. (This is one of the reasons I am afraid to go and discuss my issues, I am so afraid that MY floodgate will open and I will say ugly things that I totally don't mean and will regret.)
• Romans 12:19 Don't quarrel with anyone. Be at peace with everyone, just as much h as possible. (Although it may not seem like it, I'd actually love to live at peace...)
• 1 Thessalonians 5:11 So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.
• Romans 12:17 Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.
• Psalm 19:14 May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. (Lord, I pray that this would be the case with me. Help me get rid of my foolish pride and insecurities and focus on what you would have me do.)
• Proverbs 17:27 A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered. (Okay, I admit, I have a LOOOONG way to go on this one!)
• Proverbs 12:18 Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing. (Lord, give me wisdom because I am just way too good at the cutting remarks part. Blech!)
• Matthew 7:3 And why worry about a speck in the eye of a brother when you have a board in your own? (Ain't it the truth? I recite this to my children all the time. I need to remind myself of this.)
• James 1:19 My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry.
• Proverbs 18:13 What a shame, what folly, to give advice before listening to the facts!

So, my friend, I am sorry for what I have done to cause you to stumble or struggle. Know that I am working daily on being a better person and friend. I hope you will continue that journey with me and forgive me...

And, surprisingly, my headache is now gone and I can almost hear Jesus saying, "You've come a long way baby..." Okay, how wrong is that? Isn't that from a cigarette commercial?!

Deliberation to the Extreme!

I deliberate too much on everything! It's become quite a problem for me. It's almost as if my analyst skills have gone amuck - I cannot make a decision on anything without weighing all the options to the 100th degree. And this is paralyzing at times! And I'm not really sure when this neurotic behavior begun!

I also think this behavior is why I've come to abhor shopping so much. I won't do it! Too many chances to make a wrong choice, pay too much, get something that won't meet my expectations and requires a return trip to the store...

An example of deliberation to the extreme: I have approximately a little less than $300 to go buy myself a new and much needed camera. I don't have time to wait for funds for the 'ultimate' and 'best' one out there, so basically I need to find the best one <$300 to meet my immediate needs since my camera has not been working well for months now. Features I'd like - decent enough video for a little camera, low next-shot delay, some zoom capability, preferably an optical viewer included for those sunny days you can't see the screen, and most important, decent picture taking! Its amazing that you can buy 10 megapixel cameras that have lousy ratings for image quality!

I've been thinking about this decision for over a month now. I've looked at epinions, consumer reports, various online sources... there are too many choices! I need to put a stake in the ground and get something soon so I can start taking some decent pictures to add to my blog. So my husband, thinking he'd be helpful, bought me a camera for Christmas. I didn't even get to review it first. It went right back to the store without opening the box. How sad is that? So its not even as easy as letting someone ELSE make the decision.

So why is this such a hard decision to make?! What would your choice/recommendation be on any of the following (and, of course, there are many choices within each style)?

• Canon PowerShot
• Casio Exilim
• Sony Cyber-shot
• Pentax Optio
• Fujifilm Finepix
• Kodak EasyShare
• Nikon Coolpix
• Panosonic Lumix
• Reader Choice - what is your choice?!

Please help me put this issue to rest and focus on the next important decision...
What am I going to serve for dinner?!

What Makes a Life Worth Living?

I met last Monday with a geneticist and hospice nurse...lots of fun, NOT! Tammy (the nurse) operates Carolina Perinatal Support Network - Compassionate Care, Practical Guidance and Emotional Support for Families Experiencing an Adverse Prenatal Diagnosis. She basically helps support families in honoring the life of their baby, regardless of the length of their baby's life. There are 65+ similar organizations across the country in various cities. Most of these support maybe 2-4 families per year. Yet Tammy, here in the upstate area, supports 25+ families per year. We aren't even a big city, so why is that? Well, the answer might shock you!

I guess I've forgotten that I live in the buckle of the 'Bible Belt'. Apparently sanctity of life is taken more seriously here and abortion rates for fetal abnormalities is not as high in other parts of the country. Tammy told us that for DOWN'S SYNDROME, 95% of babies are aborted! That is an incredibly high and extremely sad statistic! I know several Down's syndrome children, and they are a delight to others and their parents. They often teach us much about unconditional love and they don't get caught up in the supid things of the world (like money, power, beauty, etc.) And I tell you what, I would be ECSTATIC for a diagnosis of Down's right now! What is scary and sad about this statistic is that all of these lives are being terminated because doctors and/or parents don't think these are lives worth being given a chance at life.

So this whole thing got Michael and me thinking... what makes a life worth living? Is it the health of your body or mind that determines worthiness to life? What about the Unibomber? He was brilliant and talented, but what did he contribute to society? What about Hitler? What about the MILLIONS who live their lives daily making lots of money but not caring for anyone in society but themselves? Yet there are people who might only live a short-time on this earth that can have profound affect on everyone they meet. You might not find them through an internet search, but I bet you know at least one of these people, or have seen the direct affect of one of them.

So what makes a life worth living? And who should decide if the life is worthy or not of existence? Well, I can only think of one person who has this authority, and he and his Father had a lot to say on the topic of sanctity of life.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:13-16).

My heart grieves for all of the lives considered not worth not living...

To Hope or Not to Hope...

Background:

I am 25 weeks pregnant with little baby Rebekah Faith Budd...the girl I have prayed for for almost 9 years. Unfortunately, Rebekah has trisomy 18 (confirmed through amnicentesis - an extra 18th chromosome), also called Edward's Syndrome. About 95% die in utero, and of those that live, the median lifespan is 5-15 days. Life is a roller coaster ride right now, with many thoughts and decisions I'd rather not deal with...



Today's Random Thought:

I've been doing good today, I've conversed about Rebekah without bawling, I've managed to accomplish more than I set out to do, I've been productive and I am accomplishing a lot by setting up the Good News Club at our local elementary school. Great day!


So what does it mean when two separate doctors call you on the same day to say they are thinking about and praying for you? OK, that just makes me cry. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for all the prayers. They strengthen me and make me feel loved and cared for by my body of fellow believers. But to have your two doctors call... well, doesn't that make you feel like there's no hope or something?

But I am hanging on to hope because that is all I have for the moment:

• But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish.
  Psalm 9:18
• Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.
  Psalm 1:24
• But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
  Psalm 33:18
• May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.
  Psalm 33:22
• "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you."
  Psalm 39:7
• May those who fear you rejoice when they see me, for I have put my hope in your word.
  Psalm 119:74
• Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD his God,
  Psalm 146:5
• There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.
  Psalm 23:18
• Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.
  Psalm 24:14
• "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him."
  Jeremiah 17:7

So to hope or not to hope... that is the question!

If I pray for a miracle and believe in it with all my heart, and don't get it, I will be devastated.

If I believe God can perform a miracle (which I do!), but don't have the hope/faith to claim this for myself, am I giving up the opportunity for a miracle?

If I 'protect' myself by having no hope at all, well, maybe I won't be so miserable with the inevitable statistical outcome.

So I ask again - to hope or to not hope?

I know no matter what, God will be with me (us), and the prayers of friends and fellow believers will sustain me. But I just feel like I don't even know what to pray or hope for!

Random Thoughts

I swore I would never be a blogger. I don't have the time to write down my thoughts or read other people's thoughts. But life changes, and I have so much on my brain. I need a release. And thus, I am stepping into the world of blogging. It doesn't matter much if anyone reads this but me. I just feel a need to get my words out, in the hopes that I can sleep at night. And if you need to sleep, maybe they will help you. :-)



Why Unhinged and Unfeigned? Well, quite frankly, I couldn't think of anything catchy, cool, or unused. I might change it if I come up with something better. But right now, it is an 'un-' kind of life.



Unhinged:

Definition: demented
Synonyms: bananas, batty*, berserk, bonkers*, confused, crazed, crazy*, deranged, disturbed, insane, loopy, lunatic, mad, maniac, manic, mental*, out of one’s mind, out to lunch, touched*, unbalanced



Unfeigned:
Definition: Genuine, Devoid of any hypocrisy or pretense.
Synonyms: heartfelt, hearty, honest, natural, real, sincere, true, unaffected, unmannered



So I am hoping this blog will be an honest look at the crazed life of the Budd Family (or more accurately, me).