An Unbelievable Appointment...

I had a really bad day today. Today I clearly saw (for the umpteenth time) the gap between a surgeon's scientific view of life and the compassion I want and crave in Rebekah's doctors.

I have been fighting with the neurosurgeon and the orthodics company about doing another 'cranial remolding orthosis' (molding helmet) for Rebekah's progressively flattening head ('severe brachycephaly with flattening'). Most places won't make them past a child's 18th month, and apparently neurosurgeons know everything because I was told it would do her no good (even though her growth is delayed and her fontanels are not all closed yet). In fact, I was told that for him to say a helmet would help her head would be as truthful as for his to say he was pregnant.  Yet I have found online parents that have had helmets for their trisomy two year olds.

I also asked the doctor to review Rebekah's MRI from last summer. I never saw a neurologist to actually get a complete review of the results - only got the written results and discussed them briefly with several of her doctors. The neurosurgeon went through an explanation of how the MRI works and what we were looking at. Basically, Rebekah's whole brain is underdeveloped and has abnormalities. For those who like the medical terminology - she has white matter leucomalacia, delayed myelination patterns, and a thin corpus collosum. She has a lot of extra fluid filling in the gaps where there should be more 'substance' and white matter. The white matter is what is needed to create the neuropathways and help the brain to function normally. You loose white matter over time and this decreases brain function.  There are kids born with only a brain stem and no brain who actually can live - they will eat, sleep, cry and maintain the basic of infant instincts/actions all without having a 'brain' or being able to develop. (Wasn't sure why he brought this up...but that is coming soon!)

So what does this mean for Rebekah? (Per the neurosurgeon...) Increased risk of seizure activity getting progressively worse, global developmental delays that we will be able to make some progress on but, because her brain is 'atrophied', we will get to a point where she will 'regress' and no longer develop. There is 'nothing' I can do to help develop neuropathways or encourage development. Or so says the doctor! (So why have studies showed that the first three years of life are critical for encouraging neuropathway development and early intervention is a national program?!)

I have to keep telling myself that she is the same as she was yesterday and this 'diagnosis' doesn't mean anything. God made the brain so complex and amazing that there is no one on this earth that truly understands everything about it. She has survived two extremely life threatening situations all by the grace of God. He can surely continue to develop her despite what this doctor thinks.

Well, the situation kind of went downhill from there (believe it or not) and I started to understand why he was telling me about the 'brain-stem-only' babies. Although he didn't state this is plain words, I quickly realized that he basically views Rebekah as someone that is nothing more than a basic blob of instincts. In fact, I was told that we need to "plan" the "future care" of Rebekah to make sure that we are not doing "to her" instead of doing "for her". (In other words, interventions and procedures at some point are going 'too far'.)  Even if we have people that said they would take her should something happen to us, they really won't want to once they find out everything that this would require and how 'hard' it is to care for a child like Rebekah. We need to draw a line and decide now how far we would go in her care or we will look back one day and ask ourselves, 'how in the world did we get here? We regret our decisions!'

REALLY?!?!  How would you feel if your child's doctor told you this?

Then I get home and I actually read the 'Summary of Today's Visit' print out that I received from the office. The next to the last sentence reads, "She is nonpurposefully verbalizing, no meaningful interaction."  

I am stunned, and mad, and sad. She spent the appointment crying - not because she was nonpurposefully verbalizing!! She is getting FOUR 2 year molars in simultaneously and every morning she is not dealing with this well. I wouldn't be either! She was communicating LOUD and CLEAR to me. And as for meaningful interaction, all you need to do is look at how her eyes brighten when her brother walks into the room, or how she gets a big grin when her nurse comes to take care of her. I have plenty of phtographic proof of her ability to communicate. Just because she cannot write a medical journal article, or even use spoken words, she communicates frustration, tiredness, happiness, fear, and, most importantly, LOVE. This is NOT a brain dead child - this is a gift for us to understand and learn how to love like Jesus loves, how to have compassion like Jesus had compassion...

What happened to the compassion in the medical community that all we have become is a diagnosis or a medical chart?  I fear for my daughter's future in the hands of physicians with this view... Needless to say, we will not be returning to the neurosurgeon's office.